I'm sorry my penis didn't work
dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
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