I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
all i remember is being at the diner with her at 3am and her storming into the kitchen to make sure the chef gave me regular fries instead of home fries.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
Queso dip and pictures of Daniel's penis. It's like the last days of Rome over here.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
I'm far too poor to be letting my hookups wear my shirts home. I'm down to about a total of 8 shirts and have no intention of buying more
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
