I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
