Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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