I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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