I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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