I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
well the blowjob for study guide exchange was a success.
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I am literally watching TV with sunglasses on because the brightness hurts my hangover
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
Randomize
