I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
You just kept yelling and saying, "IM NOT GOING TO STOP YELLING UNTIL YOU TAKE THAT SHOT"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
I'm at that point in my life where stripping isn't the worst thing I would do for money
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
