Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
I'm sure I'll run in to him again, there's only so many VA detoxes.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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