my door was closed and her door was closed but even over the r.kelly playing at full blast i was able to hear her say "THAT'S NOT THE RIGHT HOLE!". Def rethinking my roommate situation.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
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