eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
