I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
