tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
We could have had it all. And by all I mean sex in your Toyota Corolla.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
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