What a fucking waste of an outfit
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
how many ponies have to be on my pajama pants to convince him im gay?
i think we need a new approach.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
Was your bare penis on or around my blanket?
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
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