Yeah next time you are over I'll let you beat it on her pillows and you will feel better.
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
