u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Be still, my beating vagina.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
I'm going to blow a ton of money on sex toys just so I can tell you to do better than them.
Randomize
