if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
So he just rolled you off his dick and fell on the floor?
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
Dick very happy bro
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
