I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i woke up and couldnt remember who was in my bed and it was so dark.. i rolled over and started kissing him and feeling his face because hey... if the blind can see like that.. maybe i could too
Randomize
