you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
So I stappled myself into my toga... that should be interesting getting out of later tonight...
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
