shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
