I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
