It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
