You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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