Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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