I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
Just watched an entire Mariachi band walk of shame home together. Halloween at its finest
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
