she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
i refuse to hook up with a girl that looks like drew carey.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
also. when i get a car, the amount of space there is for sex WILL be a huge deciding factor.
Randomize
