so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
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