I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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