you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
she chased the tour bus screaming I BET YOUR DICK IS THE SIZE OF YOUR MICROPHONE STAND. i think its safe to say were never getting vip passes again.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
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