She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
You have to summon your inner elephant
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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