when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
No, I'm never going to get a job bc I don't know anything about public relations except that Chris Crocker wants everyone to leave Britney alone.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.
I definitely pole-danced a parking meter outside a party last night. The cheering was appreciated.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
We drove through Taco-Bell on our way to the ER
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
