I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Randomize
