when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
