I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
got them to do a wheelbarrow of shame down the sidewalk after the threesome. I rule
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
Getting pregnant off pre-cum is like getting high off erasers
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Randomize
