New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was
we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
How does one acquire holy water?
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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