have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
I just heard the term negative masterbation and I don't believe it
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
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