i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I am NOT getting arrested in a wig.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Knowing that he goes to voodoo every Thursday really makes me want to get myself checked.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize