i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
all you kept saying from the spare room was "can you bring me a puke bowl...and the cat"
The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story
The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
Randomize
