I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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