I think i peed on brittanys purse
Im watching he's just not that into you, eating way too much pizza, and feeling very single.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
lmao he sent me a snapped but i'm afraid to open.
i think i have dick pic PTSD.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
Randomize
