I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
yo dibs on the gosselin haired one.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Fucking adderall I just talked at the security guard for 90 minutes
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
just found a joint on the street in downtown. smoked it with the hot guy from my chem class
WHAT IS UP WITH YOU SMOKING/ DRINKING THINGS OFF THE GROUND?
Randomize
