I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
you made out with another girl for some wings
Is it sad to eat a candy bra by yourself?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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