oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
My whole home page is your drunken face booking, congrats.
how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
