First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
