I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
In other news, I just burned my penis
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
So unmotivated today.
Who am I kidding. So unmotivated this decade.
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
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