Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
Remember the girl I had sex with in the dorm stairwell? She got married!
You gonna smoke this blunt? Or are you gonna keep doing Kung-fu in my kitchen?
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
my near death experience doubled as my sexual awakening
Randomize
