I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
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