is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Just so you know. And I'm telling you this because I care deeply for you. Blue raspberry poptarts taste exactly the same as the regular raspberry ones.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
