Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
She sucks. And I almost hooked up with a clown last night
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
