it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
He had to put the child locks on the windows so you would stop screaming at random boys
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
i now understand why vodka
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
