If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
do you think women who transgender themselves have the option of getting a circumcised or an uncircumcised dick?
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
