He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
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