well I can't set my house on fire every night
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
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