got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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