I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
I wish you could order shots online.
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
